Being a redshirt on the SS Potato Dragon was not an easy job. With the amount of "Yolos" the captain and his personal crew of 5, we get sent out on land missions quite often. Luckily for us, the land mission red shirts (though that's what they call us, we really wear yellow shirts) always get one of the actual Potato Dragons to come with us. We have the Potato Dragon leader who goes on diplomatic missions and we body guard him. The head of security goes when someone else, that isn't our captain, needs to be escorted and protected. The resident jack... I mean... look he's Croos. We go in with him on full blown assault missions. We protect join the head medic and scientist when things go wrong with something. This is one of those stories.
So the day begins with a red alarm going off, this was the emergency distress alarm going off on the bat. The Potato Dragons have four different alarms styles. A long yellow caution alarm means that prepare for combat, followed by a red alarm means combat engaged. That alarm is standard protocol. A flashing red alarm back to white alarm means we averted immediate death. A yellow alarm flashing to a white alarm means that something suspicious is happening outside of the deck. A flashing red and yellow alarm means something bad is happening to the inside of the ship.
I, Hank, Potato Guard was assigned to lead a small team of assault units to stop an extreme terrorist cult from destroying Neptune, the planet of the corn. We arrived there only to be greeted by neck beards, singing ‘Nice guys finish last’. It was horrible. Not a single female life in sight. Everyone was playing league of legends, lost, and was flaming us when we arrived.
“Like I care that your Taric is a feeder, I’m fabulous”, I thought.
After showing them that the adventure time moba is far superior, I continue on the trek of their base. I passed by a few things in diamond encrusted cases. In those cases, a floating toothbrush, a copy of the game of slender, Foxxy porn, and something about being smarter than everyone but being an underachiever. It was disgusting.
As we approached the next room, we are hailed from one of our lead scientists, Nora. She is a “brilliant female scientist”, who unfortunately, is a sixty ninth division Orc member, entertainment division. She told us, “We warned, Hank the nooblord, the cult has gained some extreme universal power. They have literally made them the center of the universe.”
“Good lord”, I thought outloud, “How do we stop them?”
“Our head scientist is trying to find out but the captain told me to tell you these exact words: ‘gotta go in’. I don’t know what that means bu-“, she said before being interrupted. One of my crew members, Megatron, bursted in the next room. I don’t know what he saw but all I remember is waking up on the SS Potato Dragons, getting examined by Nora. I was never the same after that but I knew I had to listen to the captain. I gotta go back in.
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