As I hear the water run I hear my wife, Old Man Mcgucket,
speak to her crazy hat friends. She (he?) never leaves anywhere without her
(his?) hat. Only on very seldomly sad occasions does She (he?) ever take them
out. While speaking to her (his?) crazy hat friends, she begins to speak of
dangerously secret events and stories that no U.S. citizen should ever hear.
The first of which was the fact that General Burnside had, in fact, no
moustache. The facial hair that he had was, indeed, a squirrel hot glued on his
face. The next fact, that almost blew my
cover as I was pretending to be asleep, was that George Washington was in fact
Jesus reincarnated and that Bill Nye the Science Guy was the newest incarnation
of Jesus. The third fact, that indeed
blew my cover, was the fact that I wasn’t even Old Man Mcgucket’s wife.
Instead, I was actually his pillow, specifically the part where he used his
hat to patch up. I was one of his crazy
hat friends. I’m not crazy. I’m just a sentient pillow hat man.
As a small continuation of the pillow events, several days later, I was traveling with Old Man Mcguckit when I had been dropped off at the washing machine (Really it was the lake) and I managed to convince a bear that he was indeed not crazy and could commune with pillow hat men. I told him everything. Later he became the president of the United States of America. But that is a story for another time.
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