Tuesday, September 9 - Film review

It is greatly obvious that the movie Hugo is an absolute rip off of three well known and beloved classics from the Hebrew Torah. The movie blantently ripped of the Chronology of Tony, Shingeki no Kyojin and and the beloved story, recently turned into a movie by Bioware entertainment, "Oh god I'm stuck in a clock tower and it's really long drop but I can see my ex girlfriend from here and I don't want to die so I think I'll stay".



The protagonist is a man named Hugo who has been stuck inside Wall Maria his entire life until the sexy doctor Matt Smith comes and rescues him but then gets into a fight with Darth Vader and begins force choking Matt Smith into David Tennant, the best doctor. After this tussle, captain Kirk of the U.S.S Enterprise shows up and blows everything up with this warp torpedo's until Loki is there to... do something...? Maybe he's there to be sexy, I didn't make this movie.



 Then there's for some particular reason, puppies. Random puppies show up and takes up the entire screen and a lot of smexy guys show up and do various things that I'm too decent to talk about for long periods of time. Then something about grey trolls doing absolutely nothing but it got the entire movie theater to laugh, even the ones who weren't in the theater. Then the words "I am Groot" were repeated over and over again for twelve hours. After going through that, the almighty lord Shrek, Slayer gnome and Donkey Kong came.



After coming, League of Legends showed up and, without dialogue, lots of obscene Ahri, Riven and Zac, and Dr. Mundo pictures showed up. Finally thirty six hours into the movie and the credits rolled. BUT THEN THERE WAS MORE. DAMN YOU MARVEL.  There was just four more hours of pure incest pornography between Sam and Dean from super natural. I sighed with relief after the four more hours of hell. I thought it was over. I was wrong. The next part, surprisingly, was the best part of the movie. It was 24 hours of a guy going about his day. The majority of the time he was sleeping. He slept around seven of eight hours until his alarm clock went off. His tentacles reached for his suit, put it on, kissed his wife goodbye, accidently inked his children, was assaulted by a Japanese chef and then met up with his best friend Tony to go to a gay bar to preach the lord Raptor Jesus.



After solving world hunger, I notice the movie is still playing. I tune in to see what's going on but it's a small Nigerian child learning English but repeating Samuel Jackson quotes from various movies. I actually laughed when he said things I shouldn't say on Knox News Sentinel.

Then the small child said the following line, “Triangle” and the Illuminati symbol appeared with the letters “HL3” in the center of it with bold orange text. After realizing that this movie is still going on after 300 hours, I began to have an emotional breakdown. Then a picture of Raptor Jesus appeared and my depression was gone. After several clips of Raptor Jesus using a computer, she was seen walking up a ramp to receive a diploma. The words “Clever girl” was heard from a member from the audience. This heartfelt scene was the followed by Raptor Jesus immediately shooting into the crowd with an AK-47.

I leave the next part of the movie to an the notes I made while watching this next 13 hours.
“Omg, its twelve hours into the ALS Ice Bucket challenge by it showing Leonardo Decaprio dying in his on the Titanic. There’s a golden Emmy sinking into the ocean as you see the words appear on the bottom left hand of the screen “Worth.””

Around the start of day 6 of the movie, I finally understand that I’m in hell. Specifically I’m in Hell’s kitchen because of the movie developers decided to show me several hours of reruns of Hell’s kitchen. Gordon Ramsey meme’s appear with President Barack Obama’s voice.

I attempt my third suicide around that time. There was nothing I could do. Then I see even more credits show up. “Oh thank god”, I had said out loud. However, little to my knowledge, several reruns of the Twilight Series showed up, roughly sixteen times per movie followed by the movie Vampire’s suck in reverse and in an African language involving a significant amount of clicking.

I give this movie a Tony out of 3.6.