Thursday, October 30 - M. Night. Shyamalan

M. Night. Shyamalan wakes up from his bed. His career is in shambles. After producing a string of amazingly well done movies followed by a string of horribly trash movies, his reputation is ruined. If the world knew who M. Night. Shyamalan is, there would be a public outcry. You see, M. Night. Shyamalan isn't actually a person. In fact, Shyamalan is a group of people who switch out every few movies. When the Last Airbender was made, Tony happened to be controlling the puppet. With Tony's vision - and lack of, as he's blind - he never noticed all the problems people had with the movie.

All sorts of problems happened to the clan of M. Night. Shyamalan that movie session. Whenever Tony found something off, for example when the actors would misspeak their names, he wouldn't be able to communicate properly; as Tony is a blind and a mute. Using Tony's etch-a-sketch would be a fruitless endeavor. However, with Tony's cunning, he decided to use the power of interpretive dance. As you can imagine, the youtube views on a video such as M. Night. Shyamalan being forced to do interpritive dance by a tentacle coming from a sewer drain would be through the roof.

The terrible months that followed were horrible. The other clan members hated Tony. The M. Night. Shyamalan body had a horrible reputation now. They cast the puppet aside and locked him into a closet, never to be seen again besides the occasional attempted movie. It stays there in the morning, someone changes his clothes, maintain the wood so it doesn't splinter, and rinse and repeat.

Except the day that Tony decided that M. Night. Shyamalan should go again. The clan of M. Night. Shymalan was contacted by Will Smith to do a movie staring his son as the main actor. Tony, the clever one, decided to accept.

Many grueling days followed. Everyday, Tony went through a set pattern. At 5 AM, Tony would get up from the dumpster and head to the house with the puppet. He then would change his clothes, put little bits and pieces of food so it seemed like he ate something every day, changed his clothes again when Tony realized he made a mess, head to the movie lot, do a lot of interpretive dance, head home and take care of the stretches and splinters the puppet has.

Everyday of the same routine, Tony had finally made his masterpiece. This movie was going to make up for his blunder at the Last Airbender. The movie he came out with "Beyond Earth" and that movie nominated Tony for several rewards. One reward was for the worst screen play while the other was the worst director.

After hearing about this, the other members of clan M. Night. Shyamalan kicked Tony out and left him on the streets. They have yet to do anything with the M. Night. Shyamalan puppet since then.

Tuesday, October 28 - Mixed Bag

Eddie Murphy is in a small sailboat inside another sailboat inside basement in the middle of the ocean next to Quebec in another basement.

*Inception sound plays*

·         - - - - - - - - -

At 4 Am, Eddie Murphy has been sent to a mental health facility. He was found by his family in his Maine beachfront vacation house in the basement of a massive high-tide turned into a flood. As the water entered his house, Eddy Murphy had decided to get into one of his small expensive sailboats and gathered up all the child toys that he could find and load him inside the small sailboat with him. He wrapped himself and everything inside with a blanket and fell asleep with all the lego blocks, stuffed animals, and action figures of the various characters that he played.

 The reason, for these actions, is the new role that Eddie Murphy has received is playing the inside hobo monster Tony from the new Chronology of Tony movie. In the movie and book series, Tony is a monstrous hobo whom bad luck strikes and sleeps by wrapping himself in a blanket filled with toys and novelties to remind himself of the friends he makes over the journey, namely an etch-a-sketch. Eddie Murphy, trying to become more in touch with his screentime character, decided to practice the role and was taken too far.

Eddie Murphy has since then been removed from his property and is now in a children’s hospital where he shall be treated like a baby. This has been CNN-Fox news.

Monday, October 27 - Name Poem

R             elatively long name

U             nique is an understatement

M           ad is a common issue

P             robably psychotic

E             xceptionally good at entertaining people who may or may not be in prisoned

L              ovely person who enjoys the fine things in life

S             arcastic liar (^)

T             EAL IS MY TRIGGER

I               nconceivably strange and alien

L              oud, my god Loud describes us well

T             ricky with plans revolving around something with babies

S             ecretive about the many names we hold

K             nits various things, he makes gold and I make potato shoe scarfs

I               llogical is something we are not

N            ever going to give you up

Friday, October 24 - X Marks the Spot

A drunken sailor sits by the hearth his home telling his grand children a story from 2004.

X marks the spot they say.

THEY ARE A LIARS SAINTS. WHAT I FOUND WAS FAR MORE HORRIBLE AMAZING.

After following for several generations a buried treasure map, I had found out that buildings can have X's too. Lot's of X's. One particular building had three different X's. Since this was nearby the area where we were supposed to dig, we decided to blow it up. But wait, one of you weazer's would like to comment that blowing up a building is considered an act of "Terrorism"; but let me tell you something, boy. I'm a pirate. I got me peg leg and 6 eyed raven. I don't know what ye be talking about that I'm not something I am.

So we hit the wall with a cannon and busted down the wall. Then, something I didn't expect happen. Inside were dozens of women surrounded by over a hundred men.  what a disturbing sight. These women looked like they were naked babes or unwrenched whores on poles. Me men were disturbed... also the police, which were heading into the area.

We decided to get the booty... wrong booty. We decided to plunder the "Triple X casino" of the money and rum. All we could find were tequila, what ever that is, and these green paper with old white men on it.

Actually I take it back, we did get some other booty. We grabbed a few women and brought them to our ship to go plunder the sea! Well that was the plan until we found out what tequila was. We thought it was a flavor of rum and captain Freddy and first mate Bonnie drank two bottles at once.

Let's leave it that I'm the captain now. With the women we got, I decided to simply rename the boat "Party caravan"

And that, me friends, is how I saved Christmas.

His grand children started laughing until the sailor got angry with them and scolded them.

"But grandpa, that couldn't have happened. You're not rich anymore and the boat's gone."

"That is a different story for a different time. My only hint is making a martian named Tony yer first mate isn't the best of ideas. Hurricanes, tsunamis, the occasional killer dolphin, all sorts of bad things happened to me crew. Ah, a life well spent."

Thursday, October 23 - That's punny!

A boy and a mother are in an epic pun off because reasons Ms. Pace has yet to say why. The child wants to watch an R rated movie

"But Moooooom. Why can't I go?"

"Because it's an R rated movie."

"But Moooooom. It's the Orchestra the animation the movie!"

"Timmy, there's too much sax and violins in that movie."

"Well you owe me for that time you made antifreeze. I never told her that you stole her blanket."

"Hey hey, we talked about that. I made it up to you, I had let you go fishing with Skrillex.

"Yeah but he kept dropping the bass."

"Not the point."

"And what about that cover up with losing dad's favorite knife?"

"Well I'm sorry, I didn't know that I can't tell kleptomaniacs puns. They take everything literally. What about when I got you that big copper rock?"

"Boulder."

"What about when I got you that collusus copper rock?"

As the last line was said, a door was opened for the father. A clown held the door for him. As he entered the room and said, "That was a nice jester."

The mother quickly replied, "You aren't funny, Larry." That line made Larry become very sad from his bad day at work and he proceeded to face plant on his bed, breaking the legs and supports and fall asleep. The son watching this could only say, "I guess he's a heavy sleeper.

Fractured fairytale

A dead beat father, similar to the likes of the step-mother of Cinderella, has been given thirteen sons and cannot afford to pay for all of them. Instead, the deadbeat father decides to go to Orlando Florida for help. There, using the powers of intelligence similar to the giant from Jack in the bean stalk, he decides to go visit Disney land for several months looking for a godson, leaving his children to their own devices.

He looked and looked but found no one worthy, and wealthy enough, to be his god parent. Finally, God appeared from the heavens-in reality it was after several runs of Space Mountain and God noticed him after all the puking from the ride-and said unto him, “BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

“What is this, before my eyes? The shining star to which I have wished upon?”

“What are you even talking about? Are you calling me white?”

“What doth tho-“

“Please stop talking, bruh”, God said sternly. The man was saddened by God’s scorn. And then, with his booming and all powerful voice he spoke the fateful words, “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. I’m looking for a godparent fo my kid. I need more money and I’m poor.”

“You know I could do that. I’m god. GOD. I got chu back boi.”

“Ugh. I’m sorry God but I’m a pastarian. I am part of the church of the flying spaghetti monster. I don’t believe you exist”, said the man, holding his hand up as to stop god from talking. God, in his disbelief had made a circle with his neck and said unto him, “Boi, I’m out of here faster than the wicked witch of the west died. Speaking of…”, God said building a lighting charge with his hands. Before the fateful lightning bolt smote him, the all-powerful God noticed an eight year old playing Pokemon on his 3ds and began to watch and cheer on the child’s Pikachu and Magikarp team.

After visiting the gift shop, I had noticed a man stealing several pieces of candy and stuffed animals. The man had an evil twirly moustache and goatee combo. Only the devil would have such a vile and hate filled facial hair. As the man turned for the dead beat father’s full view, it appeared to be Lil’ Gideon with his complete napoleon complex and lack of sex appeal. He was stealing items in order to get revenge on the pine twins. Then the devil turned to face the deadbeat father.

“Give me the child”, he had said. “It shall live as my brother, my right hand, and my pawn.”

“No.”

“What? No! He will live in riches. He will have money! He’ll have power! He’ll get all the bit-“

“No.”

“But why!?”

“I don’t like you.”

“Is it because I’m white?”

“Why is everyone calling me that? No. It’s just the moustache.”

Gideon began to frown and walk away, clearly disheartened by the news of the child.

The deadbeat father explored high and low, he spoke the leaders of countries such as Barack Obama, he had talked to brothers of dictators, like Kim-Jong Nam.  No one would get his son, and in turn him, riches and money. He had begun to give up until the last building in Disney land, the kiddie previews. It was possible but maybe someone blind, deaf and rich was stupid enough to go in there.

As he entered, the deadbeat dad saw a crowd of children, maybe four or five, watching Tangled on a large screen in the back of the room. Among the crissing, crossing, and paddy wacking, an elderly man sat there in a dark hoodie, a mask in his lap and cane to his side. He was in the middle of the crowd of children observing the movie with intensity. As the credits began, he used the cane to pull his frail body up. As he got up, he put his mask on and walked straight to the deadbeat father.

“What do you want?”, the man said.

“Who are you?”

“I am the ender of lives. I reap the souls of the lost and forgotten. I am-“

“Are you Santa Claus?”

“…”

“…”

“Yes I’m Santa Claus. That’s why I have a skull mask, black hood and fresh Nike sneakers.”

“Oh cool.”

“…”

“…”

“What do you want?’

“Who are you?”

“I am the e- wait a minute, we already did this.”

“Wanna have a free kid?”

“What.”

“Do you want a free child. He’s diaper changed (in a few years) and he has a PH.D. in computer sciences and chemistry.”

“I am not going to even begin the fallacies of that. You might think you’re being puss in boots here but you’re being more of the puss and less of the everything that made him cool.”

“Puss in boots…? Whatever, want a free child?”

At that statement, the deadbeat father said it so loud that the parents in thye room had become concerned over the safety of their child and told the secret service. They kicked both of them out.

Angered, death Santa Claus raises his cane at the dead beat father and screamed, “THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH AND I JUST GOT KICKED OUT BECAUSE OF YOU!”

The deadbeat father was immediately fearful of death Santa Claus, as his death cane was raised in a very threatening manner. In his panic, the man blurted out, “BILLY MAYS HERE. TAKE A BABY.”

“Really? In general, are you serious?”

“Look, I’m a just a poor old man.”

“So if I take your kid away from you, what do you want?”

“I want to be a rich old man. The other godparents that I saw weren’t good. They tricked men or discriminated against the poor”, he said as he coughed out, “That would be me.”

“Hmm… As the lass in Rumpelstiltskin would say, “I’ll give it a try.”

“Did she say that?”

“No idea.”

And like that, the awkward conservationist just obtained a baby. Becoming his legal guardian, Death Santa needed to be able to take care of him. So, like the Disney fanboy that he is, Death Santa decided to make his child learn via Disney movie and fairy tales. He read to him every night his favorite stories, Jack in the Bean Stalk, The elves and the shoe maker, and Alice in Wonderland.

As the boy grew up, he was decidedly smart. In fact many called him a genius. Unfortunately, he was an evil genius, completely decked out in gothic style attire and the devils goatee.  He was a master at necromancy, medicine and he still had his PH.D. in computer sciences and chemistry. He obsessed over the apocalypse, zombies and the Lion King.

As an evil genius, he had created a system with death. He had a day job as an emergency room surgeon. When the patient was supposed to live, he was to inject a serum that Death had given him. When they were to live, then he would proceed the surgery like normal. When death appeared at the head of the patient, they would live. If were to be at their feet, they would die. Only death knew who was to die before hand.

Many years of this had many patients who died in his care. He had let many nurses, priests, rabbis, Imams, heroes and even a man who was supposed to save the world die in his care. He was disgusted by many and these were only some of them.

One day, as he received a new batch of serum from his godfather, the godson had noticed many things wrong. The patient he was supposed to let die was, in fact, a zombie. He tried and tried to naw off the leather straps restricted his arms and attempted to bite off the hands and fingers of the staff.

As the zombie flails and fruitlessly attempts to spread the infection, death appeared at his feet. The evil godson, however, had other plans. He injected the serum into the face of the zombie, and the temporally immortal zombie was created. Unable to die from anything, the zombie broke out and bite the majority of people in the hospital.

Death appeared for the godson, “YOU DEVIL. HOW DARE YOU. I HAVE GIVEN YOU STRICT ORDERS. Do you even comprehend the punishment for your misdeeds?”

“Ugh. Death…?”

“What? No. I’m your godfather, not Maleficent. The punishment is a boring life lesson.”

From the perspective of an outsider, the godson looked like he was speaking to an apparition and then, seemingly out of nowhere, blood curdling screams escaped his mouth.

Like magic, the godson appeared in a room half filled with oil lamps and half filled with cell phones.

“What is this?”

“This, my god son, is the cave of life. Here the sands of time tick down on the life of mortals.”

“These are oil lamps.”

“We upgraded to the 21^st century.

“Oh.”

“You altered someone’s life.”

“IT WAS A ZOMBIE, HOW COULD I RESIST!?”

“EASILY!”

“Anyway, thanks for showing me this place. Where is your phone?”

Death brought out a nokia phone with the picture of snow white and little red riding hood on the back. The phone had full battery, most likely permanent.

“What about the Zombie?”

Death brought out the zombie’s phone, with the back painted the title of the book “Zombie survival guide.”

“What about mine?”

“You are special. I extended your phone battery with this phone cord. It siphons out life from one person to the other, quickening their battery usage.”

Death brought out a smart phone, with a 80% battery life left.

“I want to extend the zombies life.”

“WHAT!?”

“You heard me. I want that zombie to cause the end of the word.”

“Where did my life go wrong”, Death said as he handed over the phone extension and phones.

As the two phones connected, the cord completely drained the son’s life, killing him instantly. The zombie, however, had a surplus of life left.

Even three hundred years later, the zombie remained. Death and the soul of his godson looked upon the horizon of the Armageddon and sighed. The godson’s purpose in the world is to have the stupidest plot twist ever.

Thursday, October 16 - RAIN

A creature, 4 feet tall and suited was sitting in the middle of a large lightning storm, holding a pink umbrella. The dark swirling clouds covered the crescent moon of the sky. The creature was covered in mud, it's long feet, almost 2/3rds of a yard, within a sinking pit of wet ground. The creature sighs and fruitlessly attempts to leave the pit. The water strikes it's head with a light velocity, from once to twice to five times to ten times to several dozens to hundreds. The feel of the humidity felt good on it's skin. The smell, something so hard to describe, had clear it's sinuses. The umbrella I had was covered in water. The creature had continued to spin the umbrella with one of it's hands, spraying the water behind it.

"Tony!", sign language-d his father, Anthony. Unfortunately without the ability to see, sign language did nothing for them. Anthony had looked for his eight year old son for several hours, trying to find a glimpse of his suit or his grey head. Nothing could be found.

Tony just stayed in the mud, clutching his deceased mother and a toy being held up by his feet. The water was cool but not uncomfortable. The air had a sense of presence of joy and relaxation more than anything. Tony enjoyed it.

Finally, after taking everything in and completely his sage mode, he lifts the toy out of the mud. There, in his hand, was a broken etch-a-sketch. He head it up the skies to both sheild himself from the rain and clear the mud.

After an hour of holding it up, Tony was found by his father. The father had to lift up Tony's full 600 pounds by himself and carry him back to their home.

Tony enjoyed himself in the bliss of the eye of the storm

Wednesday, October 15 - I remember when...

I remember when my first dungeons and dragons game happened, several years ago. I was playing an extremely flirtatious and charismatic elven sorcerer with hundreds individual red, blue and purple tattoos creating the illusion of a shifting animal from tigers to angel wings to demons, depending on the angel of where you look at him. He had to go to a fair on an archipelago between three tribes: a half-dragon tribe, an elven tribe and a teifling (Half-demon) tribe. In the first day of the fair, I had spoken to the majority of the people in the event, from major performers, to the miner minors accompanying their mothers to the tribe leaders to the rocks and birds, flirting with all of them in the process.

The second day, I noticed both my future party members: an extremely large copper half-dragon and a teifling rogue who's been shooting down birds the previous day, stuffing them with wool and sticking them on his horns.

The third day of the fair was the beginning of the adventure. My party members and I had gotten stuck into going into a dungeon to represent the union of the unification of the tribes. Unfortunally, immediatly after we entered the dungeon we had a three way fork and a fight. Specifically, the teifling annoyed the half dragon and then the half dragon stormed off. The teifling, also angry, stormed in the other direction. My character, not trusting anyone, goes down the middle pathway. There I get the snot beat out of me by several dire-rats and krenshars. After around 30 minutes into the dungeon, I find a large reptilian beast rip a krenshar in half with it's claws and eating the chunks of meat. My character, somewhat scared and somewhat surprised, was about to cast magic missle until I realized the reptilian beast was my half dragon party member. We joined up for the next for matches. The teifling, however, took the most easy route and he ended up at one health point by his first fight and needed some form of healing.
Afterwards, we managed to group up and find the exit. There was a bowl, a knife and a rock that had a small "do not touch sign" on it. The bowl had an inscription "Win the day with the blood of the covenant." The half dragon and myself understood what we had to do immediately, slit both our wrists and let the blood flow into the bowl. The teifling, however, didn't understand what the word covenant meant and decided that it would be more fun if he touched the rock. We all died shortly afterwards by being teleported to a volcano. 

Tuesday, October 7 - The Flip Side

And suddenly, with the clever realization that I am actually an angsty teenager, I begin my morning at 2pm. I play loud music about how I’m not loved and my mother hates me to motivate me. After three more hours of failed motivation, my mother screams at me. I don’t know what she says, something about how I’m a 38 year old man. I’m not entirely sure. I flop out of my bed, depressed with the world. I then turn to disgust as I remember that I am single with no job and no love, minus reddit and my hat. Stroking my favorite beard hair, I begin the day with an ample supply of “Nice-guys-finish-lasto’s” and start disproving the bible just in time for brony-con. After I had defeated a troll in reddit, I begin trolling in reddit, proving I am superior in all ways, especially looks, intelligence and trivia on my little pony.

After stroking Twilight Sparkle, the best pony, I put her back in the last expansive of my “My Little Pony” collection and pop onto Dota 2. I enter a random game and receive Meepo, the best hero. After carrying my team by going 1-17-5, I treat myself with my first bathroom break at 8pm. What a good day.

Where did my life go wrong? Why is my son like this? He never leaves his room, never showers, always watching his Asian shows, never exercises. He doesn’t have a job, he was supposed to graduate college but he dropped out. Said he was too intelligent for the university.