A dead beat father, similar to the likes of the
step-mother of Cinderella, has been given thirteen sons and cannot afford to
pay for all of them. Instead, the deadbeat father decides to go to Orlando
Florida for help. There, using the powers of intelligence similar to the giant
from Jack in the bean stalk, he decides to go visit Disney land for several
months looking for a godson, leaving his children to their own devices.
He looked and looked but found no one worthy, and
wealthy enough, to be his god parent. Finally, God appeared from the heavens-in
reality it was after several runs of Space Mountain and God noticed him after
all the puking from the ride-and said unto him,
“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
“What is this, before my eyes? The shining star to
which I have wished upon?”
“What are you even talking about? Are you calling me
white?”
“What doth tho-“
“Please stop talking, bruh”, God said sternly. The
man was saddened by God’s scorn. And then, with his booming and all powerful
voice he spoke the fateful words, “What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I’m looking for a godparent fo my
kid. I need more money and I’m poor.”
“You know I could do that. I’m god. GOD. I got chu
back boi.”
“Ugh. I’m sorry God but I’m a pastarian. I am part
of the church of the flying spaghetti monster. I don’t believe you exist”, said
the man, holding his hand up as to stop god from talking. God, in his disbelief
had made a circle with his neck and said unto him, “Boi, I’m out of here faster
than the wicked witch of the west died. Speaking of…”, God said building a
lighting charge with his hands. Before the fateful lightning bolt smote him,
the all-powerful God noticed an eight year old playing Pokemon on his 3ds and
began to watch and cheer on the child’s Pikachu and Magikarp team.
After visiting the gift shop, I had noticed a man
stealing several pieces of candy and stuffed animals. The man had an evil
twirly moustache and goatee combo. Only the devil would have such a vile and
hate filled facial hair. As the man turned for the dead beat father’s full view,
it appeared to be Lil’ Gideon with his complete napoleon complex and lack of
sex appeal. He was stealing items in order to get revenge on the pine twins.
Then the devil turned to face the deadbeat father.
“Give me the child”, he had said. “It shall live as
my brother, my right hand, and my pawn.”
“No.”
“What? No! He will live in riches. He will have
money! He’ll have power! He’ll get all the bit-“
“No.”
“But why!?”
“I don’t like you.”
“Is it because I’m white?”
“Why is everyone calling me that? No. It’s just the
moustache.”
Gideon began to frown and walk away, clearly
disheartened by the news of the child.
The deadbeat father explored high and low, he spoke
the leaders of countries such as Barack Obama, he had talked to brothers of
dictators, like Kim-Jong Nam. No one
would get his son, and in turn him, riches and money. He had begun to give up
until the last building in Disney land, the kiddie previews. It was possible
but maybe someone blind, deaf and rich was stupid enough to go in there.
As he entered, the deadbeat dad saw a crowd of
children, maybe four or five, watching Tangled on a large screen in the back of
the room. Among the crissing, crossing, and paddy wacking, an elderly man sat
there in a dark hoodie, a mask in his lap and cane to his side. He was in the
middle of the crowd of children observing the movie with intensity. As the
credits began, he used the cane to pull his frail body up. As he got up, he put
his mask on and walked straight to the deadbeat father.
“What do you want?”, the man said.
“Who are you?”
“I am the ender of lives. I reap the souls of the
lost and forgotten. I am-“
“Are you Santa Claus?”
“…”
“…”
“Yes I’m Santa Claus. That’s why I have a skull
mask, black hood and fresh Nike sneakers.”
“Oh cool.”
“…”
“…”
“What do you want?’
“Who are you?”
“I am the e- wait a minute, we already did this.”
“Wanna have a free kid?”
“What.”
“Do you want a free child. He’s diaper changed (in a
few years) and he has a PH.D. in computer sciences and chemistry.”
“I am not going to even begin the fallacies of that.
You might think you’re being puss in boots here but you’re being more of the
puss and less of the everything that made him cool.”
“Puss in boots…? Whatever, want a free child?”
At that statement, the deadbeat father said it so
loud that the parents in thye room had become concerned over the safety of
their child and told the secret service. They kicked both of them out.
Angered, death Santa Claus raises his cane at the dead
beat father and screamed, “THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH AND I JUST GOT
KICKED OUT BECAUSE OF YOU!”
The deadbeat father was immediately fearful of death
Santa Claus, as his death cane was raised in a very threatening manner. In his
panic, the man blurted out, “BILLY MAYS HERE. TAKE A BABY.”
“Really? In general, are you serious?”
“Look, I’m a just a poor old man.”
“So if I take your kid away from you, what do you
want?”
“I want to be a rich old man. The other godparents
that I saw weren’t good. They tricked men or discriminated against the poor”,
he said as he coughed out, “That would be
me.”
“Hmm… As the lass in Rumpelstiltskin would say, “I’ll give it a
try.”
“Did she say that?”
“No idea.”
And like that, the awkward conservationist
just obtained a baby. Becoming his legal guardian, Death Santa needed to be
able to take care of him. So, like the Disney fanboy that he is, Death Santa
decided to make his child learn via Disney movie and fairy tales. He read to
him every night his favorite stories, Jack in the Bean Stalk, The elves and the
shoe maker, and Alice in Wonderland.
As the boy grew up, he was decidedly
smart. In fact many called him a genius. Unfortunately, he was an evil genius,
completely decked out in gothic style attire and the devils goatee. He was a master at necromancy, medicine and
he still had his PH.D. in computer sciences and
chemistry. He obsessed over the apocalypse, zombies and the Lion King.
As an evil genius, he had created a system with
death. He had a day job as an emergency room surgeon. When the patient was
supposed to live, he was to inject a serum that Death had given him. When they
were to live, then he would proceed the surgery like normal. When death
appeared at the head of the patient, they would live. If were to be at their
feet, they would die. Only death knew who was to die before hand.
Many years of this had many patients who died in his
care. He had let many nurses, priests, rabbis, Imams, heroes and
even a man who was supposed to save the world die in his care. He was disgusted
by many and these were only some of them.
One day, as he received a new batch
of serum from his godfather, the godson had noticed many things wrong. The
patient he was supposed to let die was, in fact, a zombie. He tried and tried
to naw off the leather straps restricted his arms and attempted to bite off the
hands and fingers of the staff.
As the zombie flails and fruitlessly attempts to
spread the infection, death appeared at his feet. The evil godson, however, had
other plans. He injected the serum into the face of the zombie, and the temporally
immortal zombie was created. Unable to die from anything, the zombie broke out
and bite the majority of people in the hospital.
Death appeared for the godson, “YOU DEVIL. HOW DARE
YOU. I HAVE GIVEN YOU STRICT ORDERS. Do you even comprehend the punishment for
your misdeeds?”
“Ugh. Death…?”
“What? No. I’m your godfather, not Maleficent. The
punishment is a boring life lesson.”
From the perspective of an outsider, the godson
looked like he was speaking to an apparition and then, seemingly out of nowhere,
blood curdling screams escaped his mouth.
Like magic, the godson appeared in a room half filled
with oil lamps and half filled with cell phones.
“What is this?”
“This, my god son, is the cave of life. Here the
sands of time tick down on the life of mortals.”
“These are oil lamps.”
“We upgraded to the 21st century.
“Oh.”
“You altered someone’s life.”
“IT WAS A ZOMBIE, HOW COULD I RESIST!?”
“EASILY!”
“Anyway, thanks for showing me this place. Where is
your phone?”
Death brought out a nokia phone with the picture of
snow white and little red riding hood on the back. The phone had full battery,
most likely permanent.
“What about the Zombie?”
Death brought out the zombie’s phone, with the back
painted the title of the book “Zombie survival guide.”
“What about mine?”
“You are special. I extended your phone battery with
this phone cord. It siphons out life from one person to the other, quickening
their battery usage.”
Death brought out a smart phone, with a 80% battery
life left.
“I want to extend the zombies life.”
“WHAT!?”
“You heard me. I want that zombie to cause the end
of the word.”
“Where did my life go wrong”, Death said as he
handed over the phone extension and phones.
As the two phones connected, the cord completely
drained the son’s life, killing him instantly. The zombie, however, had a surplus
of life left.
Even three hundred years later, the zombie remained.
Death and the soul of his godson looked upon the horizon of the Armageddon and sighed.
The godson’s purpose in the world is to have the stupidest plot twist ever.
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